- photo by Pressman Studio
As many of you know, I recently got married after many, many, many years of dating all kinds of men, blogging about it, and even publishing a book about it. To my delight and surprise, we actually spent several classes during my time at HBS discussing marriage, how it affects our careers, and how our careers could affect our marriage. I sent out an email asking how many of you would be interested in what I learned at HBS and in my own life about choosing a life partner, and lots of you said you’d be interested so here you go!
Below is a blend of things I learned during classroom case discussions at HBS mixed in with my opinions after feeling like I have chosen the best life partner in the whole world for myself.
Pick someone who supports your career vision.
We discussed a case in the class Founders’ Dilemmas in which the husband is pouring time and money into his new venture. His wife is supportive at first, but then she starts pressuring him to get a “real” job with a steady income and reasonable hours. Without the support of his wife, the entrepreneur husband struggles to keep his venture afloat as well as to keep his marriage intact. Unfortunately I can’t remember the title of the case or even the main dilemma in the case (perhaps it was actually the marriage), but I do remember that our professor stressed that we choose a marriage partner who understands, supports, and is ready to come along for the ride of our career vision. My career vision is to combine my talents in writing, speaking, mentoring, and creative production to encourage and inspire people all over the world to achieve their personal and professional dreams. My career vision is currently manifested as running this awesome business and helping people from all over the world get into their dream schools, get money to pay for it, and then be well positioned to get or create their dream jobs. However, my career vision also includes writing many books, traveling around the world, and having lots of autonomy over my time and how I work. My husband 100% understands and supports my career vision. Never does he say things like, “You know, you could make more money working at McKinsey. Why don’t you go do that?” When something I launch doesn’t work out as planned and I get discouraged, he always points out the positive things that are going well in the business, and encourages me to persevere. As an entrepreneur in a seasonal industry, my income is volatile month to month and can be somewhat unpredictable (though the tools of financial analysis of past performance that I learned in grad school help me predict my income much better these days). My husband understands that and is okay with that. In turn, I support his career vision, and help him think through his next steps in his education and his career. I try my best (though it is very hard) to support his career vision rather than imposing my career vision for him onto his vision. Another thing that we learned at HBS is that if you have two high-achieving career-oriented people, you have to be ready for some negotiations, deal-making, tradeoffs, and compromise. One case we read featured a married couple where the wife had gone to Stanford GSB and the husband had gone to HBS and they were both trying to balance their high-flying careers. We learned that if both spouses want demanding careers, they have to be willing to take turns making sacrifices for the sake of the other person’s career. Otherwise, resentment could start to breed within the marriage or worse, one partner might decide s/he is better off divorced and able to fully pursue their career. For example, if my husband and I need to move to another state or even another country to support his career vision, I am ready to do that—and because my business is virtual, I am very fortunate to be able to do that. Our career visions are complementary to one another. I can keep building my business, writing my books, traveling, and such while he discovers and advances in his career. Right now, we’re in Austin, my chosen city to live in for now, but we could just as easily be in NYC, Washington DC, or London in a a few months if that’s where we need to go for his career.Pick someone with whom you can grow and change.
In Western culture, we spend a lot of time figuring out if we have “chemistry” with someone but I think that we should spend more time figuring out if we have “alchemy” with someone. I think of chemistry as an exciting, lusty feeling toward someone where you feel simultaneously bewildered and bewitched by someone. To me, chemistry is a volatile experience where things often end up blowing up. I’ve had crazy chemistry with a lot of people, and prioritizing chemistry in relationships has never worked for me in the long term. On the other hand, I think of alchemy as “the process of taking something ordinary and turning it into something extraordinary, sometimes in a way that cannot be explained.” (Source: http://www.yourdictionary.com/alchemy) Chemistry is way overrated in Western culture, whereas relationship alchemy is not well understood and is not appreciated. When you pair up with someone and live through the day to day challenges of accepting, loving, and living with another person, you have the opportunity to create a beautiful life together out of the ordinary act of living rather than trying to “borrow” excitement, prestige, wealth, youth, or any other characteristic from the other person via “chemistry.”Pick someone who shares your values.
Everyone has values, even if you don’t know what they are. To discover your true values (not just the ones you wish you had), look at how you spend your time, how you spend your money, and what you think about the most. My husband and I share the following values (though we each have additional values that the other one may not consider as important to their own life): in no particular order- education: We both believe in the power of higher education and that we should be lifelong learners and that everyone deserves a quality education. We spend a lot of time and money investing in our respective educations.
- entertainment: We both love to spend our free time on entertainment-related activities, especially going to the movies, going out to eat, playing games, going to fancy bars, hanging out with our friends and family, etc. We do these things together, and also enjoy doing these kinds of things with our separate groups of friends.
- kindness: We both value being kind to ourselves, to one another, and to all those who we encounter in our lives. We maintain personal boundaries to protect ourselves from people seeking to cause us harm, but in every situation, we seek to take whatever is the most kind action that is still authentic and protective of ourselves.
- abundance: I grew up in Dove Springs, one of the poorest neighborhoods in my city, and my husband grew up in Togo, one of the poorest countries in the world, and as a result, we both value abundance. Right now, that manifests as going on vacations, having lots of free time (this might not last long if/when we have kids), living in a pretty, clean, and walkable area of a great city, and having enough money to spend on the things we want while also putting money into savings.
- giving back: As I mentioned in my earlier point, we both grew up surrounded by poverty. We both believe in giving back our time and talents to underserved communities—and once I’m no longer buried in student loan debt, I plan to give back money as well. We are both particularly interested in at-risk youth and being examples and role models that you can make it out of the ghettos of Texas or one of the poorest countries in Africa. I often speak to groups of high school students about what it’s like to run my own business, and this summer, I’m offering a workshop on applying to college, which is free to low-income students.
- creativity, fashion, and art: We both love reading about, watching documentaries about, and talking about fashion, creativity, and art. We’d love to one day start a fashion line together of Western clothes made out of African fabrics. For now, we just enjoy the many fashion documentaries available on Netflix and do a lot of window shopping together.
Pick someone who reminds you that you are not your accomplishments.
As a very achievement-oriented person, I am always keeping my husband updated on how the business is doing, we celebrate every time I get a new client, and we talk about how quickly I could pay off my student loans on a weekly basis based on how much income I’ve made. However, my husband always reminds me that he loves me “because God told him to” (his words), not because I went to Harvard, or that I run a business, or that I make really good breakfast. It’s important that I remember that we love one another not because of what we have done but because of who we are. Make sure you pick someone who loves you for you—not your degrees, not your paycheck, not your job title, and especially not for your inheritance. If you’re still looking for The One, I recommend that you keep these ideas in mind when considering potential mates. You aren’t looking for a Trophy Wife or Trophy Husband; you’re looking for a life partner. Pick someone who you can adventure through life with as you grow and change, and with whom you can create something beautiful, extraordinary, and sometimes hard to explain.
Love this, Kaneisha! I was just telling my friend yesterday to be wary sometimes of “chemistry”, based off our conversation a few months back. Congrats on your wedding and all that you’re doing!
I’m so glad you liked it, Amanda and that my thoughts on chemistry stuck with you! Thank you for the well wishes and thank you as always for commenting!
Great article Kaneisha. It articulates a lot of my thoughts on this. There is a strong perception especially around here that successful women do not make great wives/homes. But I have seen a few who defy this and I plan to be one of them 🙂
Hi Valeria! You just let those people know that the research says that highly educated women make excellent wives and are in stronger marriages than lesser educated people. http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/07/24/marriage-divorce-education-study/13105595/
I wish you well in your pursuit of love and marriage!
Hi Kaniesha,
I thought I would drop you a line saying Congrats on your marriage!! And thank you for your awesome emails and post through the years. You consulted me briefly some years ago when your business was just taking off and it has been amazing watching your business blossom. You’ll be pleased to know that you have had an influence on a lot of people, including myself. I didn’t end up going to B-school, but ended becoming a independent consultant negotiating IT contracts for healthcare and IT companies making six figures! I never expected that to happen without b-school. I have flexibility and freedom and now I’m planning to go to law school and start my own practice after all! But your emails have helped keep that dream alive. I just wanted to thank you and wish you continued success!!!!!
A former client, Tanisha Preer
Hi Tanisha! I remember you from all those years ago! I am SO HAPPY to hear that you’re working for yourself and making six figures! That is awesome news! Just make sure when you go to law school, you get yourself a hefty scholarship so you can maintain that entrepreneurial freedom and abundance. Thank you for the congratulations and thank you for checking in and letting me know well things are going for you!
That was insightful.Thanks for sharing.
God bless you and i felicitate you for tying the knot!
Hi Albert! I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the well wishes and thank you for commenting!
Hi Kaneisha!
I do not know who you are before I read this. But thank you so much for posting this awesome article. I shared this article to my wife and it brought us back to what we have planned before we got married.
Again, thank you so much. God bless you and your marriage!
Hello Daniyaal! Nice to meet you and I’m glad that you and your wife enjoyed the piece so much! I hope that you both are back to newlywed bliss. 🙂 You are welcome and thank you for the well wishes!
I love you! I loved the life you’ve created and reading this was lovely!! Kindness, giving back, loving each other for who you are and not what you got (Harvard). So happy for you guys Kaneisha. xoxo
Hi Aranzasu! I love you (and miss you!) too! I’m definitely enjoying life right now and just trying to stay in the moment! Thank you for commenting!
I’m reading this in November 2020 and it’s still a blessing. Thanks so much for sharing.
Kaneisha,
Love the post and how you clarified the rationale behind your values. I’m a spokesperson for values-based spending, so I especially appreciated your candidness in explaining “abundance.” If only more people did that . . .
I also really liked how you described the need for alchemy. I’ve been trying to articulate that for myself, and this is helpful.
Hey, Yvette! I’m really happy you loved the post! Yes, I think it’s important to elaborate past just naming our values and get clear on what that looks like for us, so we can recognize it when we are living our values! I’m also glad you enjoyed the “alchemy” analogy. I’m proud of it (though I’m fairly sure I didn’t come up with it). Thank you for commenting!
As a high achiever and super competitive person this struck a chord. I am petrified of being mediocre and having an ordinary life. I haven’t dated in over 5 years because I want to achieve a level of sucess first- make my first million, pay off my house, get my masters degree from HKS and HLS and only then will I be open to a relationship. I feel that I meed to have something to show for my life before I can merge with someone else.. I like the alchemy over chemistry..
Really enjoyed this piece, so much to think about.
Hello, Tey! I’m so happy you enjoyed the piece! It sounds like you have a very clear career vision, which is awesome. I don’t think you have to wait until you’ve accomplished all of your schooling before you start dating again though! You can accomplish your goals while also pursuing love! (Just try not to get pregnant along the way. Raising kids while starting a career or going to Harvard is HARD.) Thank you for commenting!
I like this article! Im marrying a friend (kind of arranged marriage setup) im not attracted to or in love with. But every point mentioned here applies in my situation.
Sometimes im scared his energy would rub on me n i dont want that because i am much driven and wish to remain that
So far the greatest piece I’ve read. I’m married and kind of struggling to cope with – low self-esteem partner she’s not interested in anything I can imagine. Apparently she’s comfortable not trying anything! She wants me to think for her…. slightly frustrated